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Life is almost similar to tides, there are times of high and low. But unlike tides which can be predictable by forecast machines, no one can know when is your life high or low. Even at the moment, high and low are just vague terms to say how you are feeling at the moment, rather than an accurate measure of your feelings at that moment. If there is a measure present for emotions and your feeling at the moment in life, mine is definitely low currently.
Perhaps what I need now is a break or a revelation. I'm sick and tired of this life, even at the age of 22 though I can't say I have been through much. Some people slog their entire life, looking for a meaning in life. The lucky ones eventually find their meanings in life along the way, some never find it and pass on regretfully, others don't care to whatever meaning in life.
I try to live my life happily. Doing what matters most to me. As long as one is happy, one shouldn't have to bother about anything else. That's what I thought. That's what I believed. I still believe in it. But to live happily is something that is very hard to do. I used to think that as long as people around me where happy, I could be happy. I tried to make everyone happy. I was happy for a while. Then people started being unsatisfied and asked for more. I tried for a while. Then I realized that no matter what I did, I couldn't satisfy people's greed and needs.
Then I tried to narrow down a bit and focus on making myself and another person happy. I was happy. I considered it the happiest point of my life at that moment. (refer to paragraph 1 about measure of happiness). Yet somehow, whatever makes you happy will also be the source of your sadness. The higher you climb, the harder you will fall. What was initially the happiest point in my life was soon shadowed by what was to be the darkest period of my life.
Like every story, the protagonist of the story initially equilibrium. Soon he discovers a disruption in his equilibrium and seeks to restore it. He goes on a quest to seek an object, gets helpers along the way, meets villain(s) who try to stop him. But in the end, the protagonist reaches a new equilibrium in his life. (The above part is known as Vladimir Propp’s folktale study, for those taking NM2101 will know about it.)
I won't say the current equilibrium in my life is good or bad, that's not for me to decide. Life is like an RPG, to level up you must go on quests(or "slay" villains, if possible) to gain experience. You have no choice in life. You could shut yourself in your room whole day and become a hikkikomori or a NEET (Not in Education, Employment or Training). But if that's the life you want it, there's nothing much I can say.
Currently, I think I know what I want and I try to strive hard for it. But everytime I get close to the object, it seems to wander further and further away. Sometimes it gets close as though to "tease" me but flutter away the moment I try to reach out. Other times it just "pretends" (or it really thinks) that I'm invisible. This game of life is really tiring isn't it? Sometimes I wonder if I "enjoy" this chase in life. Maybe my objective is to bath myself in this pleasure of chasing. Or maybe I'm just giving myself false hope that there's a destination at the end of the road when actually there's never an end to this road and that I'm just walking around int circles. Speaking of walking around circles, I'm not too much of a direct person and I tend to make the same mistakes over and over again. Never learn do I? Sigh.
Before I end off my longest blog post ever, I am at a lost of what to do now. I'm at the crossroads and there are no clear paths to take. I could be treading on thin ground in the first place. Honestly I think that I'm losing sight of my goal now, even though I hope that I never lose it this time. I just hope to get some advice on my next step and some assurance. (Yeah right! Wanting to hear the good things and never the bad things) On that note, I don't mind if someone tells me that the road I am taking now is wrong or my goal/destination is unreachable. All I need now is some hint of a destination in life......
digital love;
1:04 AM